mott’s mutterings

…in less than 5 minutes. And, without makeup!

Ok, perhaps I’m stretching it a bit too far…I can’t exactly look like that Hot Gucci Mama, I was ranting about, in my other blog. Perhaps, then….my title should be "How to be a Hot Pucci Mama"…yea, the off-season version.

Now..see my before picture., Ms. Frumpy Aunty. Say "Hewwo!" to Ugly Belly. Don’t try to deny that you can’t see a belly…it’s in Plain Sight! You must need thick Coca-Cola bottle spectacles if you can’t see them. In case, you haven’t read..I’m just trying to do the Karen Cheng pose. I decided to be hiao…and experiment it abit.

Now..see my after picture….PHOO LA MAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okla…abit exaggerated as usual..but what a difference that blouse made, eh? I chose this blouse very carefully, because of its’ prints and the flare bit in front. Both prints n flare hides Ugly Belly very well!

Of course…had no time for makeup….because between changing my clothes…I had to clean No.2 and No.3’s bottoms…they did huge poo-poos!

If you’re my facebook friend…then you’ll see my real picture. Sorry la…I clouded it abit coz I don’t want you guys to die from ugly-face-shock-syndrome leh.

I didn’t want to write about this when I was at the rental house.

I always believed that there was a "toyol" in that house.

Why? Every night, since I stayed at that house, at 3am…I’d hear very strange noises.

Somehow only at 3am.

The noise was very loud and heavy running on the pavement just outside my room. It sounded like a small kid thumping his/her way through. The first time I heard it, I was really scared. But subsequently after that, I got used to it. I thought if it didn’t harm me, then okla….

Scary or not?

I told Mr.T, he didn’t believe me.

Then I told my uncle…he told me, it was this….

BLADY POSSUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, when they mate, they make evil devil noises. That’s whyla I was shivering in my pants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAKAKAKAKAKAAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAAKAAAAAAA!!!! 

Hahaha…

Guess what? Going through your comments in this post and searching online… I found that there are different "green papayas" for different moms. Some say green papaya soup works. Some say Milkmaid tea…some say beer.

Mine? I just found mine….

Hard Gay.

Serious. Super serious.

As I watched him… while pumping… more milk came out.

Sounds porno-ish? But..I swear it’s not. Well, not entirely.

Thanks to Sasha for sharing. For her…today’s milk is dedicated to her!

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! 

With response to S-A-H-M’s comment, I just updated my other blog. I realised that I haven’t been updating both blogs properly.

No…haven’t popped. Don’t want to yet! 

Anyway, I just got an invitation. Ok, not me. No.1 got invited to his first ‘dress-up’ birthday party. He has to come in his favourite movie character costume. SO, yesterday, I asked him, "If you’re going to Joshua’s birthday party, which superhero would you like to be? Superman, Spiderman, Batman or Ninja Turtle". Ok..these are the most popular costumes sold in the stores. So, like not much choices la!

His reply?

"WONDER WOMAN".

?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Father and Mother dropped jaws.

I said, "Errr..you can’t exactly be wonder woman, you don’t have boobies".

He said, "I WANT! I WANT!".

OH! OH!!!! What are we going to do? Why wonder woman? WHY WHY WHY?????!!!!!!!!!!

Sei-lor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Father decides he’ll make a costume for him. A Thunderbird costume. Like the other 5 year old kids would know who/what Thunderbirds are. *rolls eyes*

Anyway… what would be a budget for the present? I have 20 probable other birthday invites to consider this year. If it’s 40.00, that means, I’d have to spend at least 800.00 alone on gifts! 

*Pengsans*

I think I’m reducing my budget quite significantly……sigh…….. sorry la kids. This Mama is really tight on the money la! 

When you have no more bullets, what do you do?

You hunt high and low for bullets, you know they are somewhere in your house. You get desperate, you look into every drawer possible. You start sweating, you feel like peeing but you have to find those bullets…and still….. 

THERE ARE NO BULLETS!

At the back of your mind, you just know that it’s there, mocking you… but you have to move on.

Then, you think …what else can I use? What other thing would be able to withstand heat.

Heat? Heat, you say? What the hell is she talking about?

Yes…desperate people do desperate things.

And, I was desperate to get out of the house, because I had a dinner party. But, still I had to make sure that Mr.T gets it.

This.

His dinner. Fish Baked with Garlic and Butter in a Parcel.

HA HA HA!!! What did you guys expect? I’m so lazy…..this is probably the fastest meal to prepare on earth.

Take 1 fish fillet, slather on salt, garlic, butter, fresh dill(optional) and olive oil. Put into baking paper..and staple (or like me, clip) it. Put into toaster oven for 10 "something" and wah lah! The easiest and healthiest (and some say, tastiest) dish to make.

Ah…the stupid things I do, because I’m a blogger.

Sigh.. 

You see this picture????

Ah…..No.1 did the bestest, most sweetest thing early in the morning today.

He saw this picture…and passed it to me, and said, "Mama..this is you. You are the angry Mama."

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I’m so deprived of compliments these days…I take anything that sounds good. If I really look this HAWT!!!! I think everyone will vote for me as the HOTTEST FEMALE BLOGGER!!! I’d definitely beat everygrrrl in Cedric’s blog. 

*pppppiakkkkkkkkkkkkkkk…hai-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! KAH POWWWWWWWWWWWW!* 

Eh..don’t fight with this Aunty la….sure win one!!! Take the pencil and umbrella and poke everyone’s eye out…how NOT to win????

KAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKAKAAKAKAKAK!!! 

*Picture taken from Disney’s Atlantis - The Lost Empire Colouring Book. Bought by Mr.T…not to hamsup with la…..for reference purposes. ahem!* 

I think everyparent knows this secret. Kids and babies can get you anywhere…real fast. Besides getting you more wrinkles and stress lines…they can also get you onto airplanes and errmmm…actually, that’s about all I can think of, much much faster. Always get priority on airplanes…and maybe seats in buses..but that may not be true in this country.

Yesterday, I struggled to bring my kids to do some banking. Mind you, it was just at the neighbourhood shops…but nevertheless, I still worried about getting good shady (so that car won’t be too hot when kids get back in) and very convenient (read: located close to bank) parking.

Wah..I was in real luck yesterday. Shady and just next to the bank, parking. So, pulled out the kids and threw one into the stroller. Asked No.1 to push No.2. Both had their thrills n spills.  In the bank, they were very well behaved because of pre-warnings of mama screaming and NO TV, if they bang into people, scream at the top of their lungs and being tantrum-y.

So banking only took less than 5 minutes. When we were out, No.1 refused to go home..so we went to the neighbourhood Chinese Medical Hall. I frequent that shop alot because Milk there is so cheap and everyone I’ve told, sends me orders to buy for them. So, I normally buy in bulk.

After getting what I want, at the cashier, I told the lady, "Enfagrow". "Oh…sudah beritau org ambil ah?", she asked. I said, "Yar!"…gesturing to my No.1 who was struggling to carry 1 box of milk. "Yar..itula dia", I said.

She giggled giggled. I plonked No.2 on the counter to take out money. No.1 demanded to be plonked on the counter with the brother. So…two of them having a good time on the counter..when the cashier tit-tit-tit the amount.

WAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT EVEN MORE DISCOUNT LEH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why? Because both No.1 and No.2 smile smile smile…flirt flirt flirt with the 2 Indon cashiers.

I was sooo happy! I didn’t think I get any discount for buying ONE box!!!!! Makes sense to bring them out more …. to save some sens, eh?

Turn up your magic boys!!!!!!!!!  

Last Sunday, I had to go and visit my friend’s house for the obligatory CNY visit. Ever since she moved to her new home, she keeps asking me when I’m free to go see her. Actually, I’m quite lazy one… because her house is in KL..right in the heart of KL. Major Jam/HeartAttack/High Blood Pressure session la. So…when she asked me to visit her on a weekday..I told a white lie (which became true, by the way - I said, someone was coming to see me.. ) and said, Sunday la…Sunday, I come.

True to my word, Sunday saw No.1 and a frazzled me trying to explain to the Nepalese Guard who I was there to see. Y’see…I ran out of credits and had no money to call her. Also, quite foolishly, I didn’t ask her earlier what number her unit was. Luckily, she is quite a…ermmm.. flamboyant person..so, the guards kinda guessed who I was talking about.

So….I could hear her kids squealing excitedly when they heard me knock on her grand wooden door. Their playmate, No.1, was here!! HURRAY!!!!!!!! He was so apprehensive but excited as well. He’s developed a sudden shy-ness around people. But, the moment he laid eyes on all their toys.. all was forgotten and played they did.

I was left with her. We met in a playdate….eons ago..and we kept in touch eversince. Her house….is beautifully opulent, very tasteful and should be a feature in "Beautiful Homes" (or whatever home&living magazines it’s called). Of course, she told me how long it took her to wallpaper (it was very welldone) all her (extremely high) walls, how horrible the carpenters were when they did the built-in cupboards ("Y’know ah..I thought they were all skilled…but NO LAH…they all cheap chinaman carpenters one! I’m so angry with them!"), how small her wet kitchen had become and mostly, because she moved into a townhouse…just how much stairclimbing she’s been doing.

It was really really something outside my comfort zone. I’m so used to Ikea Furniture, cheapass "INAX" toilet bowls and terrazo flooring. Her bathroom was filled with French sounding porcelein toilets and sinks. Her rooms had GARGANTUAN pictures of her and her hub. Her chandeliers…PHOOOWWWWWAARR ..costed her only RM25K. I weakly said, "Wow..that’s cheap!". And she replied, "YAR! I got a good deal!".  

While she’s quite an extravagent person, she did do a lot of recycling of furniture..y’know, to prove to her hub that she can save money too!

Anyway, she had already prepared No.1’s lunch and I was planning to go home straight after that. After the kids finished…(actually, the elder two finished..the youngest one wanted ME..not his mummy, ME, to feed him…gawd!! That took forever..I’m so not used to chasing kids during feeding time!), she suddenly said, "Ahh…the maid is already cooking lunch for us ah..You eat first ok?"

Aiyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

I tell you why. I didn’t do BIG business in the morning. The whole time I was there, it was simmering deep in my errrmm..bowels. I was really dying to go.

As she busied herself in the kitchen, I nervously asked myself, if I dared "christen" her home. My bowels told me I had no choice.

Luckily, because of the husk, it all came out fast and furious. A LOT OF IT. As I stood up and looked at my "deposits"…I was struck with panic. OH GEEZ! ALL FLOATERS….IS HER HIGH-END BRANDED TOILET STRONG ENOUGH TO FLUSH IT ALL???????????????

Pushed down the lever. Saw the swirl of water….it was all floating floating floating…mocking me with the possibility of floating there forever! I again panicked…GEEZ! NO BUCKET!!!!!! HOW TO FLUSH????

Luckily, her high-end branded toilet did the job really well. It all got sucked in into some underground container somewhere. AND! NO LEFTOVER PERFUME FUMES!!!!

Something my cheapass"INAX" toilet needs to learn.  

The "GONG-XI" Fever!

For weeks, I’ve been seeing my neighbours, front, center, right, left..okla..no center, doing paint jobs. Meticulously, the men would scrape off the old paint and paint paint paint new paint.  I felt like I had to join this tribe..it was like some hypnotic mantra whispering throughout the entire neighbour.."it’s gongxi season..you must paint your walls NOW!".

Like a true blue zombie..I drove myself to Carrefour, mentally repeating to myself, "Must get white paint..must get white paint…ohhh..while I’m there..must get new bra"..hahahahaha! Kidding!

I got the whitepaint…I even got the standard pre-packed painting kit. Came with roller brush, tray, 1 small scrapper..and of course, a narrow paintbrush..for touchups. Paint costed me RM98. DAMMIT! Painting kit costed me RM15. All together, RM113. Labour is free…me.

Because I’m an "ALMOST SINGLE" stay-at-home parent..I have to do all the DIY. If I sweetly ask Mr.T to do it for me….I think maybe in the 5th year, he’d get out of his zombie state and ask, "Where’s the paint?".  

So..yay!!! I’ve done it. Ok la..I lied…we did it. Mr. T and I. After I prepped everything and started to scrape paint..he guiltily helped me. This, after I said, "WHAT???? GOING FOR BASKETBALL AGAIN??? DON’T PUSH YOUR LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So…after two weeks..we’ve finished painting our exterior walls…..a "sure-get-dirty-again-tomorrow" white! I’m gonna sit back, drink my ice-water and admire my beautiful walls now.  

Clean house??? That one..can wait la….after CNY also still can do wat!

Belle’s mama must be feeling very evil-ish much better..to tag so many ppl at one go…does this really bring the Page Rank up? I already have serious doubts abt this PR thingy..I once had 8/10… and 5xmom only 2/10… where got meaning one???????

Anyway..here goes..

1. My favourite cartoon is The Backyardigans on NickJr (10.30am on Nickelodeon). I normally hate watching any cartoons with a lot of singing and dancing..coz I’m quite a impatient person..get on with the story man!!!! But this show..I love soo much..but none of my kids enjoy it..*SOBS* 5 cute lil animals/monsters singing the blues, reggae, swing band, everything la… The way they sing and talk is really cute (they copy alot of adult expressions in a cute way!) without being too mushy, sappy..and certainly not like the condescending purple dinosaur!

I normally turn it on..on the pretext that No.2 wants to get his TV fix. But..I gotta stop kidding myself…! Extremely original and highly entertaining educational to this 30-something year old girl woman! It stops me from growing old cynical! HAHAHAHA!

2. I swear my head is getting 2-3 sizes bigger. My regular hairband seems to be getting tighter and tighter and tighter. I think it’s becoz I’m quite narcissistic..and everytime I read about someone choosing this blog as one of their favourite…I kembang kembang kembang to the max. Lucky it isn’t my ass kembang-ing…but then, now my body looks damn wierd..big head, small ass…hmmmm..like a freaking alien! They all say I’m funny..and I can ask is, "What chill pills are y’all on? I’d like some too!!!!!!"

3. I also got tattoo!!!! Ahh…but please, I didn’t tattoo my eyebrows…I’d end up looking like Groucho Marx…coz my eyebrows r like the hair..tumbleweed!

Nola…my tatt is somewhere in a not-so-private bodypart..but not everyone can see it one. Please ah..no hamsup thinking ah!!!! This tatt represents me..Did I not say I am very narcissistic? Okla..I just like saying this 4 syllable word.

4. When I’m crappin’, I’m thinking…"Which parent in this world, would name their child, "Barney"..?", "Why Body Shop products are against Animal Testing..does this mean, I’m their guinea pig?" and the ultimate, "Why the heck did I spend RM300 to colour and treat my hair, only to buy a RM19.90 Pantene conditioner that promises to repair my damaged hair?"…yes…I like to read/think when I beraks! Nowadays, becoz of the psyllium huskI berak so fast, I got only got time to read shampoo/soap labels.

And, finally… This is much more exhausting than doing the 70Q tag!!

5. I learn ALL my funny tricks from my chew-ren…nothin’ from me is original. Honest!

Who to tag …who to tag…who to tag…AH! HA! !!!

Sweet pea… cc … who else…gawd! I have such a bad memory… Pls forgive me.. If u (yea..u there..reading this post now!) like this tag..pls do it..for me!